As much as I try to always have a positive outlook... more time to save, more time to enjoy the single life, more time to prepare...
I often lately feel the twinge of the "what if's" that you all have from time to time. I just don't usually blog about it. Not because I'm keeping anything from anyone, I just don't have a need to cause alarm in my friends and family, outside of my bloggy friends, who I know still read my blog. I don't want anyone to worry that I'm depressed or anything like that... Cause I'm not, but I do have constant worry. Even more-so this week as I received notice that my agency was denied Ha*gue accreditation. The message boards for my agency are flying with worst case scenario options and so forth, but for me it just feels like one more roadblock in this determination to bring home my daughter. I have had conversations with my SW about other options, but I just can't. I have this unbelievable (as most of you have) strong bond with this child that I don't know. The thought of changing my path is not an option, not in my heart and soul anyway.
And, the fact that I had previously decided to let my paperwork expire is plaguing me now even more. Was it a horrible decision? Did I completely screw up by doing that? I just feel really lost some days, making these decisions alone is no easy task. And I often wish I had someone close that could offer more advice or help.
I can't bring myself to unpack the couple of boxes of things I have... It doesn't seem necessary at the moment. I have completely checked out of all thing DTC group related. Karen, if your reading this... I'm so sorry I'm such a deadbeat. I do have all of your (very many) gifts ready to go... I will get them to the post office next week. As excited as I was to join in things... they lost the luster they once had... didn't help that my SP has not sent a gift for about 5 months....
And, tomorrow is the 2 year anniversary of this blog. That was the whole purpose in this blog post... can ya tell, snark, snark. I hate that it has lost the excitement of it's purpose. I hardly ever even mention the word adoption, let alone update on referrals, or any announcement related to China adoption. It's not where I wanted it to lead, it's not what I will be excited to look back at.
I hope to get back to that place... but for now, I just wanted you all to know... I feel ya. It sucks. But life moves along and so will this.
Have a great 4th of July with your friends and family... I totally plan to!!!
18 comments:
Don't EVER give up on your dreams ... somehow, someway ... things will work out! I am living proof ... BUT don't think for a second I was not in the same place you are right now. Take the time to grieve, then pick yourself up and move forward ... I know you can!
Sending hugs ....
It's hard...I know...I hear ya sista!
Just so you know - the agencies who ARE accredited are having a rough time right now meeting all the new requirements on the first try, so it might be to our advantage that agencies will have more experience with the 1800A process by the time our renewals and referrals are closer...if that is one ray of sunshine in this big cloudy day of a wait...
BELIEVE that it will all work out in the end. The Universe is working on our behalf in ways that we can't even foresee or comprehend right now. Truly.
It is hard and long and sometimes I am at my wits end. We gotta hang in. Hugs!
Keep smilin!
It's hard.. but keep your chin up...
I am right here with you...
Have a Great 4th of July..
See you soon..
HUGS..
You are not alone, if you ever need anything I'm here. We will all make it through this. TOGETHER! Knowing that for me is what is so helpful.
I hear ya! Hang in there, never give up your dream of your little Julia Rae.... she will happen.
Hugs Kristen,
I'm so sorry...the waiting sucks.
Hopefully your agency can get their creditation fixed soon so that will be one less thing on your mind.
I have a friend who used them for their domestic adoption and didn't realize they were denied (were about to start# 2 domestic) with that agency. She was shocked!!
Have a very happy 4th and take care!
I know how it feels - my birthday is coming up. Another year, still at starting gate... but the years will still pass whether we're waiting or not. We might was wait together.
I know this feeling. I've had it many times during the last 2 yrs of my wait. Someday we'll get to the end. We just gotta keep hanging on.
PS. My agency is not Hague approved and probably won't be. They've completely dropped their China program. But they're seeing thru to the end their in process China families thru a partnership with a Hague agency. They assure me it'll all be fine. For now, I'm choosing to believe that. :)
I am so sorry...I wish there was something I could say...but just one day at a time.
Thinking of you.
Hi there. My jaw is dropping reading your post. Read mine from July 3. I titled in "What IF".
I am so sorry about how you are feeling. I feel the same way, and even though I am not a single mom, there I days when I feel completely alone. It sucks. But as our little friend Julie says above, the Universe is working in our favor. I know how hard it is to believe, and trust me it's easier to say it sometimes then believe it...but it's true. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Love Wendi
I totally feel ya...been there and I get it. Those times come..and they go.
Hey, if you need to chase some of those funky feelings away just borrow a boy baby and put him in a right purdy dress. That's the kind of thing one finds entertaining when you've lost a few marbles during the wait ;0)
Love to ya.
Yep - I can identify with the "constant state of worry." Hang in there, keep your eye on the prize, and know that eventually, Julia will be home.
Ok, been meaning to call you all weekend instead of just writing a comment here, but of course, here it is Monday and I haven't dialed the phone :(
I hear ya girl. I do - I really do. I know that sometimes ppl say "yeah will it's different for you because..." and then insert the obvious up and coming event for me, but John and I were JUST talking about this on Friday night (which btw was also MY 2 year blogaversary - we're even connected THERE too :).. anyway, we were just talking about how I'll be 41 when we bring Gracie home... FORTY ONE. That age isn't a big dea when you're already 40, but when you're 37 and can say that, it's a tad intimidating.
I also said to John "well baby, it looks like we'll only be having two kids if that's the case..." His response? "Well, you never know what can happen... it's not too late at that age. Let's just see what happens" and no, he wasn't talking me getting pg either because he knows that's out! lol...
So since I'm being poopy about it, and you're being poopy about it, let's let my sweet hubby's attitude drive us towards our daughters, no matter how long it takes us to get there. And, you and I can drink copious amount s of wine along the way :)
PS - Connie's comment made me pee a little :P
I love ya girl... see you soon bff!
Keep your head up - I'm right there with ya and hear what you are saying....
Hold on to the hope that we will one day hold our little ones in our arms :)
Hugs to ya sweetie!!!
Just got back and read your post. I am so sorry you are reeling from this mess. Does the SW think the accred. will come with time? Is your SW worth a hill of beans? Cause some of 'em aren't! =) This is gonna play out and your dream of a child will be yours. I copied what Nji13 wrote "You cannot fail if you choose within your heart to succeed." Hugs.
The long wait does put doubt into our minds. We had a very rough year during the three year wait. As PiPo wrote, these times come and go. Borrowing a baby is a great idea (we have grands to borrow!).
May you have a happier week...
Alyson LID 01/27/06
What a good post, I think of you often and hope timelines begin to improve. I too have been such a deadbeat, I'm not even on a slow boat anymore, so needed time out. But my time out refreshed me and I feel a lot better now. Sorry I wasn't in touch for a while. I've tried emailing a few times. Please email would hate to lose touch, anyways I have something for your B-day sitting here, wasn't sure if you'd move hense the emails.
Give yourself all the time that you need!
(((BIG HUGS)))
p.s. do you want to be on my blogroll?
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