How I got to this point...

Well, I decided that since this is a journal of my process, I would share the topic of my home study group meeting yesterday. In order to do that there is a lot of background to cover, so you have been warned. This may get long winded and not necessarily orderly, I have a tendency to be scattered.

The meeting was one of two group meetings I have to have with my agency before the HS is complete. So it was a group of us in the paperchase stage, working with various countries.

The meeting began with the question posed to everyone of, "What brought you to this point? why are you sitting in this office today? As I listened to the stories of couples and another single woman, I sat with a smile and enjoyed listening to their "adoption journey" as they told it. Then it was my turn. I had no idea how emotional I would become, sitting there, answering this question to a group of complete strangers. With the first sentence out of my mouth I started to cry.. I felt really stupid at this point, but I continued, and regained my composure as I continued to tell "my story".

For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a mother. From the time when I was a teenager and I used to pretend that the children I babysat were "mine", I can remember having that motherly instinct. Then I grew up, had boyfriends, had relationships, went to college. This is where the background comes in... I always knew that I wanted to be a teacher, but it wasn't until I actually entered college and had the honor of meeting an amazing professor that I really decided what kind of teacher I wanted to be. I then entered the Special Education program and began my concentration in teaching children with emotional disabilities and extreme behavior issues. My professor was the headmaster at a residential school for these classified students and I was intrigued by his compassion and wealth of knoweledge in the subject. I began taking any classes he offered, asked him to be my mentor, and began my fieldwork in this environment. From the beginning, he said I had a natural talent and understanding of how to interact and deal with the problems and issues faced by these kids. I went on to graduate with honors, and proceeded to try to find a job in this type of placement. Mind you.. there is not a line of people looking to take on my type of teaching position, but it was hard to find a job. There are not that many public school districts that offer these types of services, as they are usually handled by private facilities. In November of the year I graduated, my best friends father came across the position I was looking for. With his recommendation I got an interview. It was the hardest interview I had experienced. The principal was very sceptical of my ability as a new graduate, to handle this program. There had been 3 teachers in the previous 2 years in the program and they had quit almost immediately, including the one that was presently in the class. She had given her notice after 10 days in the class. I got the job.

Oh my first day... Only Mandy can appreciate this fully, LOL. I Went in with such idealist thoughts of how great it would be. Within 1 hour they had taken the push pins out of my bullitan board and began sticking each other with them until the room was covered in traces of blood. I was completely freaked. 3 O'clock could not come fast enough, I got in my car, began to cry and cried for the entire hour commute home. Only I didn't go home, I went straight to Mandy's (it was her father by the way that got me the job) knocked on her door and began to hysterically cry when she opened the door. I can't do this, I'm not going back.

I went back... and 9 years later... and an award from the Governor for Teacher Of The Year (2002), (insert shameless bragging!!!) I have what I call my very own dysfunctional family of sorts.

I discovered that it was that 2nd day of my first job that I became a mother. Over the years of raising these often motherless, fatherless, family-less children. I have become a mother. The one who feeds them breakfast every morning, me not the district, buys their school supplies, does their laundry when I can tell it's not being done and I ask them to bring it in secretly so I can wash it, cooking them a traditional Thanksgiving dinner every year, buying them Christmas presents, ordering chinese food for lunch and making them all sit down together to enjoy it (cafeteria food is just plain gross), making sure I send them away full because I know they may not eat again later, going to bat with their probation officers, sadly visiting them in jail, going to the hospital when they are hurt, fighting to have them placed in better homes, giving out my cell phone # so they can call me if they are really in trouble..

And laughing it off when they mistakenly call me mom, instead of Ms. H. (which happens more often then I usually remember).. My aide pointed this out to me once!

So back to the personal life stuff... I have had the "great love", only it wasn't so great just under the surface.. He had a lot of broken promises, he had broken my heart, many times over and over for just under ten years. During those years I watched my friends and family get married, have children, live the life I sooo very wanted. For a while I had actually tried to convince myself that I didn't need to have children. I had them, my students. I though that that was enough. But after the final demise of the "great love" I had a lot of time to discover who I was, and what I really wanted in life. A family of my own.

At that time a new student had come into my life. It was one of the worst case scenarios I had dealt with thus far. I had a really hard time with letting him leave everyday. I cried a lot. I tried to find anyone I could to adopt him. I became consumed with it. Then I actually looked into adopting him myself. But, after many months of discussion with my principal, an adoptee himself... who is wonderfully supportive, and loves my children like I do, he made me see that I would be doing more harm then good by pursuing his adoption. Due to the circumstances surrounding his particular situation, it wouldn't have been a good idea, and the worst case scenario was that I would lose contact completely. So I have come to terms that I can only do what I can, from 8am till 3pm each day, and hope that it is enough.

6 months later, I graduated from grad school, one of my various "lifetime goals", and started the process of adoption. I didn't have any particular "China signs" that I can remember. I just felt it was right from the moment I started. I still don't know why I feel so drawn to it, I don't know if I'll ever have that answer, I just do. It was that simple for me. I just feel it is right. Down to when the rumors were flying about closing the singles program, I couldn't inagine a "back-up" plan.. my child is there, I don't know why, but she is.

And the thought that I will be a MOM makes me cry... it may sound stupid to some, but it is what it is. My Sense In It All....

Thanks for reading.