BORING.....

Okay, so I just looked back at my recent posts and ramblings and GAWD.... I have become the most boring blogger out there. I'm surprised if anyone actually still reads the dribble I put out there. It's nothing worth taking the time to click here.

So in the fashion of actually journal writing, which is what this is supposed to be, I decided to just write. Mind you I'm doing this under the influence of my new BFF and the boredom that is my Friday night. So here is what's going on in my world at the moment. and I'm truly to lazy to reference older posts with things I have talked about before, so bare with me.

Work is nothing unusual, but it has been an exhausting week. Last Friday I had a late meeting with a new student, his mother, the principal of the school he was being thrown out of and the psychologist. His family is on the run, and I use that term loosely because they didn't go far, from the father. So he has been in our district for 4 weeks now and he is already being placed into my program. Throughout the entire meeting he refused to look up at anyone (one of my biggest peeves) and barely spoke. The psychologist ran down his background of police records, school suspensions, and medical issues, warning from the state gang unit over his MS**13 affiliation. During this exchange the principal kept interrupting her to interject her feelings of sorrow for the child, his situation, and her remorse over having to expel him from her school. Now, I'm feeling unmoved by this whole exchange. I've seen kids in the worst situations imaginable. This is not one of them. I'm not feeling a whole lot of compassion for this child. His disrespect is not helping my impression either. There are just some kids that I want to shake and tell them that yes, life sucks.... get over it. Your really don't have it so bad.

So on Wednesday he shows up for school. I'm not aware he is even coming, because they never finished the paperwork or sent me any confirmation. He walks in the door to my classroom, takes one look at the rest of my boys and leaves. Just takes off. Now I'm pissed. And offended for my boys, who are like, what the hell... He at least somehow found the front office and decided to park himself there. So I call the psychologist and tell her she needs to get to my building pronto and deal with this kid because he's refusing to speak to anyone. So she shows up and "convinces" him to come to my room. He proceeds to sit down, take out his $400 i phone (yeah he's got it tough) and he starts texting people. Now my kids know that if I even see a cell phone in their hands it becomes my new phone, so they are also really pissed now. He refuses to put it away, or acknowledge that I even spoke to him. Next he receives a phone call, answers it and starts talking to some other derelict about the f-up place he is in. And the psychologist says to me... One step at a time, at least we got him in the room... What the &%$#. Is she kidding me? I don't work that way. My program doesn't work that way. If you don't want to follow my rules, respect my house, and the people in it... don't need you here. So I tell him to leave. He tells me %&$*#, *%&$^ and %*$&$^. And refuses to leave. I get the rest of the kids out of the room with my aide, and I call my principal who calls the police. They got him to leave! Can you believe he showed up the next day? We had a similar exchange, only more threatening, so he is gone now for good. And I mean good.... Sooo, I've made some new friends in the child study team dept. HA!

I'm also losing (R). This is a kid that I feel true compassion and sympathy for. His life does suck. He recently came back from a short stint in JDC for something, I don't in my heart of hearts, believe he did. But with his background, the judge saw something differently. He has been living the last couple of weeks with no electricity in his house, barely any food, and his mother thinks that she can avoid having her children taken from her by leaving. So he says that I won't be seeing him after next week. Makes me sad, wish I could do more, but I know I can't do enough to make a real difference. At least I know, he knows I care, and he promises that he will let me know where they end up. He's a survivor, I hope he will be okay.

New topic... Have I ever mentioned how much I hate the whole dating scene? I do. I dread the whole "getting to know you" part. Not because of the exciting, I like you part, but the ohhhhhh, I really don't like you and now I need to get out of this part. That is the part that keeps me from even wanting to enter the whole scenario. So last Spring, I decided to try the... We've been really good friends for many years, we are both single, we go out one night have too much to drink and take it to the next level, dating scene. It worked for about 5 dates before we realized we were better at being good friends. Shit. Now we ruined our friendship. and we still have to see and tolerate each other after a one-sided realization (not mine), that it was not working. It sucked. I wanted it to work, but deep down I knew it wasn't. So I was left mad and hurt and trying to be tolerant of our consistent need to see each other on a daily basis. It has been many months, but we are finally getting back to the place we were before the whole dating thing. That makes me happy, he is a friend I want in my life. Once I decided it was too much work to be angry, I let go, and started to be a friend again. We are getting there. So that brings me to my newest dilemma. At the part time job I have, I work with a bunch of older, retired from their first career and happy to be working (or kibitzing) women. I am younger than most of their children. So they are constantly trying to marry me off! And the latest... One of them came into work one afternoon and handed me the telephone number of her nephew. She proceeds to tell me that he is a single man in his early 40's, with a heart of gold. And she already called him to see if he was single and tell him all about me and could she give me his number. So she did... Have I called him you ask? Nope, nadda, can't get the fingers to dial the phone. What the hell do I say to this complete stranger. "Hi, your aunt thinks I should call you, blah blah blah....... " I've had this number in my possession for 2.5 weeks now. and I can't get myself to dial. I'm sooooo not good at this. I'm sooo not confident when it comes to this. Couldn't she have given him my number????? I'm such a baby. I passive/aggressively want to call when I know he's not home, just so he has to call me back. I don't know why, but I'm being stupid about the whole thing, I just hate it. I think that's why I stayed with the ex for ten years, just to avoid going out with strangers, and going through the whole get to know ya thing. But I admit, I'm lonely. I miss that whole partnership feeling. It's exhausting being in my head.

New topic... I don't have any X-mas spirit this year. And it's not even because of the whole long adoption wait, I just don't. I think it's my family. I miss the years of the big family get-togethers, we don't do it like we used to and I long for it. My brother and his family live far away, so we don't see them. My cousins have gotten married and have new families to attend to, and we see each other so briefly. My grandmother's health scares me, to the point of avoidance. I don't want to see her sick. I can't imagine a world without her. But, She is getting stronger and I pray so hard each day that she fights with everything she has in her. She needs to be here. And I need to make time to see them more, I have terrible guilt over not seeing them as much as I should. I need to take a day off and spend it with my grandparents. They are such important people in my life, and I don't want them to ever think that i don't cherish them and think about them daily. Work is not a reason to miss family. They are truly what is important in life. And the $ stresses me out. I am so done with this house and just waiting to move, so I have no desire to decorate a house that I don't want to be in. I barely put out any decorations this year, no one really sees them anyway.

New topic... I need a change in my life, I'm bored with me. I'm one of those people that consistently needs a goal to be working towards. I need it to feel alive and productive. I don't have one at the moment. The adoption is no longer a goal, it's just a thing that I'm waiting to finish. I need something to do in the interim to keep me busy. ( I know working 7 days a week, should be enough, but it's not goal-oriented busy) .

My principal, whom is like an extra parent in my life, really wants me to start applying and interviewing for administration positions. He sees something in me, that I don't think I have yet. He is behind me like no boss I've ever had. I think I remind him of himself when he was my age. I do think I'm a lot like him. We have very similar views of the education system and how to work with it. He really wants to see me reach for the top. He consistently looks for jobs for me to apply for, makes phone calls on my behalf, and puts my name out there every chance he can, putting administration job postings on my desk every chance he gets. It's really flattering, and comical even. I always joke with him that he should bother his own children as much. I do want to make him proud. I am like his protege. I hope to be as good as he is someday. I want to achieve something, before he retires, I think he would feel bad if I didn't. I just don't know if I am truly ready. I feel like I still have so much to learn and experience. I am one of those people that feels like I always have to be the best at what I do, and I don't think I would be the "best" yet. I think I'm just afraid to fail. But maybe this is the new goal I need to feel alive and productive again. But it scares me to death. I don't yet feel worthy of this challenge, but somehow I don't feel like I am making good use of my existence at this point.

new topic... My health. My pathology reports from my surgery came back good. But... It doesn't change the fact that I must deal with the ongoing issue until I feel like I can no longer. I won't get into it because it's personal. But, for now it is what it is. And they will monitor me regularly.


new topic.... I need to get my finances in a more efficient order. I'm saving great for retirement, I'll be very well off at that point. HA! But for the here and now, I'm making myself poor... I need to make more of an effort to not spend so frivolously. When I look at my daily spending habits, I scare my own self. I need to stop walking the isles of Targ*t and throwing unneeded items into the cart for the instant gratification of it. I wish Targ*t would cease to exist. I would be wealthier for it!! I have serious boredom shopping habits that need to stop. I recognize that it is a problem... isn't that the first step?? LOL!!

Well that's enough information for one evening... Sorry if you actually took the time to read it and were still left bored!!! And again... I'm sooo not spellchecking or grammatically checking, so deal with my inconsistencies..... This is after all my blog!!!

~Good Night All
ps.... "It's A Wonderful Life" is on tonight... I need to go watch it. I love that movie. "Every time a bell rings...."