I have so much to blog about...

But I don't want to move the last post... I'm struggling with the whole get back to anything normal part of my life. I'm still very sad. VERY sad. But I don't want to make others sad... I don't know how to navigate this part. I know for some it can be hard to understand other people's depth of loss. I am one of those people. I have always been able to stand back and offer sympathy, but I don't know how to receive it, properly. I still tear up every time someone offers condolences. Or asks me how I am doing. I'm trying to feel normal, but at the same time I feel like I'm betraying the grief that I have. You must understand that this is new to me. The only other people I have lost in my life did not hold the part of my soul that my Nan did. I've never had this kind of grief. I can't expect anyone to understand my feelings, and I feel guilty having them. I know this doesn't make sense... I'm not making a whole lot of that lately. Because I do know that others have felt like I do. And I appreciate that, in a weird way, it makes it more normal for me. But I still have the part that feels guilt at any moment of normal... I caught myself in a moment the other day when I was out getting coffee, the weather was comfortable, I was on my way to my parent's house, driving (I love to just drive), listening to the radio, and I forgot. I forgot for that second that I was sad, I was smiling, glad to be getting a yummy cup of coffee, and then I remembered. And I felt guilt... that I was actually feeling normal for that one second. Because how can the world continue without her?

Does anyone even really know how amazing she was? Does anyone know how happy she was to find out that I was adopting a baby, and that that baby would have her name? Does anyone know how horrible I feel that she never got to meet that grandbaby? How important it was to me... how selfish I feel about that need in itself. How I feel that my grief is insignificant in the light of my grandfather who now has to live without her, my mother who lost her mother. My grief for them is insurmountable. It surpasses anything that I feel about my own loss. She was a very significant part of my history... who I am today, who I want to be, forever.

I know it is okay to feel normal. I know she is in a better place. I know we will all heal. And always miss her.

I know that you Pop, and you Mom will read this. And I'm sorry. I don't want you to feel worse than you already do. I just need to work through this myself. with you. I know she is in a better place. I know this is the start of a new chapter. I wish I could take away your sorrow. I can't, but I can walk beside you and cherish the memories.

Because, man... they are good. good good memories. No one had a sense of humor or a spirit quite like hers...

I will try for normal from this point on... I need some normal. She would want my normal. I made her laugh. a lot. I like to make people laugh, life is too precious not to.

Pinky swear...